second glance

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along’

i had a cold and gloomy rainy morning.

there comes a time every now and then, a time nobody really wants to meet. it is that time where we are pushed and heart broken over the same things so many a times that we feel like raising the white flag and just giving in.

sometimes it hits me out of no where, all of a sudden, this overwhelming sadness rushes over me. i get discouraged and i get upset and i feel hopeless and i feel sad.

last night i had the hardest time in the entire 18 years i’ve gone through.

last night i realized… the truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do; the hard part is doing it.

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once again, i feel numb to the world.

but today, marks the end of these crap.

i’m not weak. i just need more time to look for the lost joy and happiness in my life.

i survived the second week in pure miseries and sorrows.

things are never as expected is it. the whole unpredictability of life just screw you up over, over and over again. and when you think your immunity level has gone a notch up, a few surprising words and phrases smashes through and you are left standing there bewildered and shaken from the sheer impact of the force and how badly it tore apart your heart despite that invisible wall.

waking up with that horrible feeling becomes the sign of the coming days. empty, hollow and deep. till now i never understood how it was humanly possible to feel like having your heart beat painfully at the back of your throat yet there is really no other way to explain that suffocating feeling of nursing a broken heart.

there are days you just want to break apart, dissect yourself fragment by fragment until you reach that core you had been so meticulously pursuing. eyes closed, you’re alone somehow and you just want to cry till you can barely breathe.

so little a thing that could cause such a mess and strip me of my sleep and rob me of my tears. nauseating. this tired delirium makes me want to hurt myself, watch myself bleed just to take my mind of things. secretly, i never got over that phase in my life. i just resisted, unable to bring myself to that level again after all the promises i have made to those that have constantly stood by my side. i love these people more than i would ever love myself. and they are all i hold on to.

i don’t like to sound like an emo shit but i am an unhappy child today, as we all already know.

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hi life, where are Hope and Faith?

Once upon a time there were two sisters. One of them was really, really strong, and one of them wasn’t.

The strong sister went outside into the rain and realized the reason she was strong was because she was made out of iron, but it was raining and she rusted.

The sister who wasn’t strong went outside when it was raining, and hugged her really tight until the sun come out again

– Handle With Care, Jodi Picoult

hey you, what’s up? how are you? i miss you. but now i feel so shytty i don’t wanna comunicate with you at all. ironic ah? it’s like, a blog-hopper, hoping to know how’s life treating you, but never dare to say something. like you are a celebrity blogger or something, then stalk you on fb and blog almost every day. any updates would drive me crazy. happy that you are having good times, sad that i’m not part of anything you did.

the other day i was so damn happy that you called, you were the only friend who called after i left kl, then you said you would call again later, but you didn’t. i didn’t (and still don’t) have enough credit to call and ended up waiting the whole night. 

i really believed every time you assured that in 20 years time we will still be as close as we were. we would be there for each other through hardships. i also picture us bringing our children out for picnic together, choosing clothes for each other’s kids, and then hi-tea every saturday afternoon, gossips about people we know, and complain about our partners…

i used to be the first one who knows everything you would do. what you would wear to a party, where you would go for dinner, what you would be doing on a sunday evening, what’s new in your wardrobe collection, or your newest addiction. maybe it was because you saw me everywhere you went. now that i’m gone, do i even stand a place anywhere in you? maybe van was right. time changes everything. or maybe you just needed to tell someone, and i so happened to be there. you have always had someone else important to you, i only had you. 

i feel like i’ve lost you.

but now i realize, it’s always been a one-way kinda love. i never had you. and you can’t lose something you never had.

ahhh wi-fi is FINALLY working!!

so today marks the 7th day i move in AIMST. phew yo, it’s not easy man i tell you. not easy. at all. i need to talk to my parents almost every second. lucky my parents are really patient and willing to spare me some precious time of theirs.

the food here still sucks. i take snacks instead of proper food so please don’t be surprised to see me fatter. i promised my mum that IF i ever get to go back to kl i will eat EVERYTHING. no more picky picky no more don’t want anything. still trying hard to distract myself. they have this huge 400m track here. the other day i jogged+walked 6 rounds. that’s like 2.4 km? but the sun is so scorching hot, even at 6.30 in the evening.i’m gonna look like the rest of them here soon, if you get what i mean. o.O

i will at least survive larh?

i find this picture super sweet.

morning we had lectures in uni style, all 200 or more of us in the lecture theater, and the best thing was we had it in the dark. o.O in the afternoon we had tutorials, about a group of 50’s, and had revisions.

the food here gives me diarrhea, the lecturers are… hopeless, i miss HELP’s lecturers sooo much! this place seriously drives me crazy. thank god i have a blog to keep me sane.

and if you excuse me, i wanna go hide my face in the pillow and start crying. :’(

settled down and now i have nothing to do but to think of kl. it’s a friday night so i guess it’s pretty much congested everywhere?

it’s just like beginning of the year, only worse. i have less passion for my course and my life here, more people to miss, more reasons to cry now. hahha. ;’(

really really really wanna get back to kl but i can’t because everyone in the family now looks up on me and expects me to finish everything here. i know i also have all of you supporting me right behind my back, but i’m not quite sure if i can do it this time.

everyone’s telling me it’s just the matter of time, is it really?

you would think that loneliness comes and goes as it likes but it always hits and goes away in the same way it mysteriously came. at least that’s what i had always believed it was; this nagging feeling at the back of your heart that tugs and pulls and makes you feel all kinds of distress but is always constant and familiar that it’s not really a surprise at all anymore the moment it crashes into your unsuspecting day. turns out you really do learn something new each day.

for me it was, or so to speak.

today i learn a type of loneliness that felt somewhat different. it was the kind that broke your heart and made you want to just break down and cry. it felt or in my current state, it feels like a distant memory of all things strange and unfamiliar in a rather bizarre kind of manner. i also realise that that made entirely no sense at all but it just came out sounding that way and no other words can seem to transcribe my lack of vocabulary usage. i also noticed that it did not really explain the kind of loneliness i am experiencing but that really doesn’t matter does it?

today, i am just a stranger invading into the space of another.